Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die.
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances? A: Retired.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental impact statement.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A: A fucking know-it-all.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his @$%.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane full of lawyers? A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands, threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving.
Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? A: That might be your bicycle.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? A: Depends on how thin you slice them.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer #1: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time sheets, two to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Answer #2: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb... to his.
Answer #3: How many can you afford?
Answer #4: Heck, you need 250 just to apply for the research grant.
Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture? A: Just say "Fees!"
Q: Why are lawyers so good at racketball? A: Because they stoop so low.
Q: How does an attorney sleep? A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.
Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers? A: He would starve to death.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50? A: Senator.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad? A: "Your honor."
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention? A: The caterer.
Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule? A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!
Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep? A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: A shortage of sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer #2: No? Good!
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer? A: In the cemetary.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros? A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd? A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.
Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? A: A lawyer can take off his wingtips.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
